Анна ШиманDraft translation. This text was translated automatically and has not been proofread yet — if something reads oddly, it does.
Between heaven and earth. Emotional swings. The psychology of the ego.
The key factor in achieving what you want is action.
Today many people find themselves in a permanent state of imbalance that shows up as “I want to, but I can’t” or as “I can, but I don’t want to”. As a result, instead of doing what they planned, a person tries to cope with the ground suddenly slipping out from under their feet and spends a great deal of strength, time and energy on it.
Why does emotional imbalance arise, and how do you get out of it?
To answer the question “why?”, I would like to introduce you to the theory of personality put forward by E. Berne.
According to it, three “ego states” are present in every person at once: parent, adult, child.
The Parent performs the function of upbringing towards the Child (prohibitions, instructions, praise and punishment), while the Child, like every child we know, is guided by the pleasure principle and is responsible for our desires, spontaneity, activity and energy for life. The Child and the Parent, as we can see, carry out opposite principles and are therefore in conflict, creating tension and constantly working against each other inside the psyche. Sometimes the Parent can turn into a real tyrant and suppress liveliness and spontaneity. But the Child often does not give up either: seizing the moment, it breaks free from the control of a Parent caught napping and runs off wherever its feet take it, trying to use that instant to fulfil all its pent-up expectations. In such situations a person often ends up in the wrong relationship, in the wrong job, spending time with the wrong people, losing money through impulsive actions, and may fall into an addiction.
The conflict between the Parent and the Child is the very basis of emotional swings. As you can see, the essence of the conflict is that “I want” (the child) clashes with “I must” (the parent). And when a person gets stuck in this conflict, the territory of their consciousness is taken over by a question: how do I win back my right to freedom (the child) from the inner parent? Or another question: how do I suppress or amputate this restless part of myself (the child) and feel composed and proper (the way one is supposed to be)?
Here there is no longer room for real goals, because illusory ones take their place. The person wants to prove to someone in their head that they “have the right”.
More often than not this conflict is not recognised, and so it leads the person to build relationships with others in which those others will play the matching role for them: the Parent or the Child. In this way the conflict gradually moves from inner reality into outer reality. People can take turns swapping roles for each other, falling into an endless cycle of opposition as they act out their inner conflict.
Does it even need saying that emotional swings harm your effectiveness and quality of life?
How do you get out of this?
How do you stop swinging on the “I want — I must” swing?
How do you avoid sinking into apathy and depression because “I am weak and worthless”, and then not go looking for energy to compensate, so as to feel all-powerful and almighty (and, through these filters, wish for the impossible and act wrongly)?
This is where the position of the inner Adult helps us. Its function is to keep constant watch over outer reality and to relate this information to the inner figures and their needs.
The inner Adult is your control centre, and its principle is the reality principle. When a person’s self-awareness is weak, when self-reflection, understanding themselves and separating themselves from others are hard for them, then instead of the reality principle they keep falling by turns into either the Child ego state or the Parent ego state.
In that case a person loses the ability to perceive themselves as a separate personality, which means they do not perceive other people as separate either, as having their own will, desires and rights. Situations arise in which other people are perceived as an extension of oneself. From this come excessive expectations, demands, resentments and a drive to prove and defend one’s rights and territory. That is, the person feels unfairly deprived of their lawful “property” (a resource), although at that moment they simply do not see where the other person’s territory is and where the boundary of that territory lies — their own and the other’s.
Forming and developing the figure of the Adult is the main task facing a person who wants to overcome these cyclical states and stop riding the swing of worthlessness and superiority. To achieve their goals and get results, to grow and expand their potential for future accomplishments.
By developing the principle of perceiving reality through training attention, will and thinking, a person gains the freedom to choose what to do and which way to go. And then “I want” turns into “I must”, and the other way round. The two figures unite, and now the Child listens to the Parent, and the parent is attentive to the child’s wishes. Because the conflict has been recognised and brought under the control of consciousness.
This is exactly where the capacity for action appears, and its result is real achievement and real experience.
On that basis the capacity for “I can” appears, along with the motivation for further achievements.
We invite you to our centre — to grow together!
Anna Shyman, psychologist, lecturer at the Psyvision centre
