Анна Шиман
Draft translation. This text was translated automatically and has not been proofread yet — if something reads oddly, it does.
The Inner Child. The psychology of resentment and other states in wartime.
— I want to go home! — my client insists, for yet another session in a row
— Why aren’t you there?
— They’re shooting there, it’s dangerous
— And here?
— And here (in western Ukraine) I’m afraid to speak Russian and afraid to leave the house. I feel that the people around me are a danger to me and that they hate me
In principle, I could stop writing here. For many, this dialogue would be a perfect excuse for political hostility. But if you are still interested in the psychology, read on.
Setting aside everything extra, there are clear signs of psychological regression, that is, a return to earlier, childish ways of interacting with the world.
When the trees are big, ever so big, and you are small and defenceless, the only person with whom you feel all-powerful is, of course, your mother. She loves you unconditionally while you coo and babble something in your cosmic language. And in some strange way she understands you and your needs. From this grows the feeling that this world is yours alone. That, obeying the tiniest movement of your little finger, this enormous world will spin swiftly around you, and you will become its all-powerful centre.
Every child needs this wonderful state in childhood. But when the reign drags on, we get a slightly over-loved, pampered, infantile child with very big ambitions and demands on the world around. With huge, wide-open eyes this child goes out into the world and meets there the harsh everyday reality that calls for overcoming, skill and adaptability. The child does not like it, but it is simply necessary for realising oneself successfully.
Everyone goes through this stage, but not everyone solves its tasks. We work with the current states of the “inner child” at our depth psychology seminar “The Inner Child Archetype”.
Meeting an insurmountable obstacle in the way of their desire, the child falls into a conflict: they will not for anything agree to part with their omnipotence, yet for some reason they are forced to submit to an outside force (a parent) that they cannot defeat. Such children later grow into eternal neurotics (yes, that is a diagnosis), who see the world as hostile impulses and constantly strive to prove their worth to everyone, everywhere. They can no longer live without overcoming something, because they are stuck in an unresolved childhood conflict.
Now imagine a huge mass of people who are adults (according to their passports) living their lives in the service of this neurosis of theirs.
It is impossible to live under constant tension for long.
So, of course, the psyche looks for a way out, and the conflict is pushed out of awareness. Only now and then does the outside world throw up situations full of emotional explosions, outbursts of anger, tearfulness, hatred and a fight “to the death”. And the people around seem somehow hostile or hateful. Especially those who do not agree the first time, do not love the way one would like, and have the nerve to disappoint such a person and irritate them in every way by acting as suits their own needs and interests.
And then a critical moment comes. For example, as in our case, a war. All the energy that kept the neurosis at the bottom of the subconscious is urgently needed for active steps of self-preservation.
And, lo and behold! Our unresolved conflict rises from the depths and starts looming before our eyes, sweeping away everything in its path.
The psyche is built so that nothing ever vanishes without a trace.
A conflict is a live and very large charge of energy that is waiting for its hour.
And now it has happened. Your legs (thanks to them) carried you far away from mortal danger. Your lungs produced plenty of material just in case and are now ready to get rid of it, no longer needed, along with a wet cough.
And then you find yourself sobbing at a sideways glance from a shop assistant. Or suddenly, out of the blue, you turn into a helpless victim, choked by resentment at every turn. You find fault with those close to you, you want to go home and do not go, knowing full well that it is unwise and dangerous.
This kind of “I want to go home” is nothing other than sabotage of your new life in this reality. It is stamping your foot and a stubborn wish to keep your omnipotence and to go on speaking your cosmic language. Only now, instead of mother, there is a huge, cold world around you, and other people who also often want to speak cosmic and be picked up and held. There are also those who are ready to help, but want to speak a human, adult language.
By the way, it does not matter whether it is Russian or Ukrainian, German or Polish. What matters is that it is adult. Often these are psychologists.
You can start speaking “human” only after living through powerlessness, admitting that circumstances cannot be defeated, after grieving your weakness and vulnerability and, finally, coming to acceptance. An acceptance that brings adequate boundaries and relief. After all, you no longer need to hold the world in place while remaining its centre.
Psychology helps you learn to translate from cosmic into adult, and I know how to do it.
