Анна Шиман
Draft translation. This text was translated automatically and has not been proofread yet — if something reads oddly, it does.
Control and management in relationships.
To control and manage something or someone, you need to know where the boundaries of the area being managed lie. The wish to control most often arises where safety and predictability are needed. A person wants to manage and control, to create rules and frameworks. They often impose their own view and opinion on others, which leads to conflicts, resentment, misunderstandings, break-ups, mistakes and negative emotions.
Our subconscious is a vast area of the psyche that holds an enormous amount of energy. It is past experience, knowledge, skills, desires, scripts, beliefs, the psychic structures of the personality. With its powerful force of attraction, the content of the psyche, through the subconscious, steers the events of a person’s life through their actions, sensations and thoughts. By studying their inner content, a person learns to manage it and to use it as a resource.
So what happens when the inner content is left unattended?
Aware of only a small part of their life experience, a person narrows their idea of themselves, of others and of the world around them. Outer life becomes predictable and understandable if it is constantly controlled. But the subconscious does not sleep, and everywhere it creates situations in a person’s life that call for growth. Having no contact with their inner world, a person feels tension and fear in the face of life’s circumstances. They look for ways to control even more and even harder.
This is how a closed circle forms — a life script with room for only a few social roles and a rigid idea of oneself and of people. Trying to preserve stability and safety — that is, to suppress the fear of their inner content — a person spends a great deal of the energy meant for their self-realisation. They impose their rules, frameworks and ideas on others, they demand, control and take offence when things do not go the way they want. This comes from fear — of meeting unpredictable experience, unknown until now, and that fear, as a result, blocks growth. To build healthy relationships with other people, you need to build a relationship with yourself.
Demands, control and management of another person without their consent deprive them of free will. Such relationships lead to the degradation and destruction of the personality.
In dependent relationships one or both partners have no clear idea of their own psychological and physical boundaries or of the other person’s boundaries. Control is impossible when there is no understanding of what, in fact, needs to be controlled. In such relationships a person imposes their will and demands on the other and insists that they be carried out. They control because they do not realise where they themselves end and where the partner’s territory begins. The same scripts are played out in the relationship over and over. Many people live like this for years and decades, depriving themselves and others of the chance to grow and realise themselves.
Is there a way out?
There is, and it lies in this: getting to know your inner world; becoming aware of your needs, beliefs, attitudes, hidden influences and the scripts laid down in the subconscious; learning to tell your own boundaries from another person’s; managing yourself and so creating relationships between equals.
The wish to control outer circumstances and other people can be compared to trying to stop the forces of nature, which is, in principle, impossible. It leads to a serious waste of energy and takes you off your life path, away from growth and personal development. It makes you live in circles day after day, feeling irritation, negativity, longing and apathy.
We invite you to get to know your inner and outer world, to meet yourselves, your inner fears, needs and desires, and to learn to manage yourselves.
Control of the subconscious, the ability to manage your states and the content of your inner world — this is the key to healthy growth and self-realisation in the outer world and in relationships with other people! Come to our meetings and master classes, where we will study the content of the inner world, learn to manage it and take control of our lives.
Anna Oleksandrivna Shyman, teacher at the centre, author and leader of trainings.
