Анна Шиман
Draft translation. This text was translated automatically and has not been proofread yet — if something reads oddly, it does.
Psychological defences as an illusion of power over others.
In our psychology classes we sometimes recall the “bucket of labels” that everyone carries.
Using an image of another person, of a phenomenon or of yourself that once took shape, you always fit the situation in front of you to that template. At that moment a conflict arises between reality and the desired image, and everyone resolves it in their own way. Mostly a person tries to preserve the ideas of their Self and to push reality away or pull it into line with those ideas.
For example, a woman does not get love and respect from her partner. Depending on her way of adapting, she may decide that she is not trying hard enough and start taking more care of him. Instead of responding adequately to his behaviour and keeping a balance in the couple. In time she meets disappointment, but often goes on doing what she did, as if not seeing her partner’s real actions.
That is how our psyche works: it “loves” automatic habits because they save energy. And it does not love pain (disappointment is always pain).
What happens next?
Reality lives by its own laws and “couldn’t care less” what your ego imagines, and you along with it.
For example, you see yourself as having earned a promotion, or as loved and valued in the eyes of those around you. And in response people behave somehow strangely: they give the “juicy” position to someone else, drift away, ignore you, cheat on you, use you.
At that moment your ideas about reality bang loudly against the boundaries of other people or of outside circumstances. Unpleasant feelings arise, a pain you very much do not want to feel or let into your awareness.
— “Why me?!” the person cries, falling into despair or, on the contrary, in anger trying even harder to push space and other people into their picture. (I’ll make you love/value me).
Some are lucky even in this collision with life. Whole pieces of the psychological defence that serves as armour fall away from them. Gaps open up and let a little fresh air into the space of their ideas about themselves. And they are sure to let out what has built up inside.
Not a very pleasant procedure, would you agree?
Yet the fresh air of awareness is healing for a soul whose needs have been harshly trampled by the hooves of instinct and by your ego’s insatiable thirst to be the main one and important (and, secretly, valued and loved).
Illusions are also our defence mechanisms, and they are stronger the weaker a person’s conscious Self is.
The weaker the ability to stand out from one’s surroundings, to be significant, strong and powerful.
Hiding behind illusions, you lose the most precious thing you have. You lose the time set aside for realising your goals, dreams and tasks, for personal growth and for finding your own path. For living your own life.
A person’s inner world is rich not only in lofty ideas but also in passions, in an insatiable drive for power — often over the world around them. All of this comes from childhood, and behind it hides fear. (of being unloved, rejected, humiliated, and so on)
Then again, no one and nothing stops a person from having power over themselves, though it is hard. For that you have to come out of the twilight (part with your illusions) and at last find out who “I” am.
Lacking inner strength, desire and resources, a person wants to gain power over what in no way belongs to them — over the objects of the material world, things, money and other goods. People often get so carried away by this that they try to turn those around them into objects for satisfying their own needs. After all, they themselves were used in exactly the same way in childhood, and it became the norm.
- Does the theme of being used wound you deeply and remind you of itself painfully, as resentment?
- Do you ask yourself: “do I even have a Self?”
- Do the words “calculation” and “advantage” still make you wince?
- Do you hide your discomfort when things are good for you and bad for others?
- Do you want to hide from your fears by giving in to other people’s sweet talk, or do you yield to their manipulation out of fear?
- Are you often disappointed in people, yet do not show it outwardly, while inside you feel apathy and resentment?
- Do you meet ingratitude from those close to you? You give them everything, and they?
- Does the present frighten you to the point of depression and rage?
It is time to meet reality and yourself!
We invite you to the course “The Triangle of Power”, where we will work with feelings of guilt, resentment and anger through states and through contact with the subpersonalities of the inner tyrant, the inner victim and the inner rescuer.
