The psychology of guilt. Self-criticism and self-tyranny

Draft translation. This text was translated automatically and has not been proofread yet — if something reads oddly, it does.

The psychology of guilt. Self-criticism and the role of the inner tyrant in the Karpman triangle.

To the question “is it possible to come to terms with the tyrant” inside yourself, I will say: yes.

However, it would be a big mistake to try to earn its love, to out-tyrannise it, to protest stubbornly or to get rid of this part of yourself. All these variations drain your strength and take away two precious resources: energy and time for living.

So what is the secret?
Is it possible to transform your tyrant and start living happily?
Or will you have to go on merely existing, waiting for even a couple of words of approval?

It is a very important and interesting question.

Let us go back to childhood.

A child learns through imitation and upbringing. However, upbringing does not always consist of explicit instructions and parental commands.

Psychology shows that we live in two worlds — the inner and the outer. The inner space of every person holds all of their experience: thoughts, beliefs, emotions and meanings that create a kind of filter of reality, the basis for their behaviour and choices.
It is through this filter that a parent, too, judges a child’s behaviour, often seeing their own younger self in the child, and, thanks to the child, meets their own suppressed, unconscious needs.

People’s feelings and hopes, their attitudes, childhood traumas and unresolved inner conflicts do not disappear; they remain in the subconscious, influencing behaviour and choices.

In the psychic field of the family, the child encounters this content and unconsciously adapts to it. That is why parents often notice in their children what they so carefully hide from themselves. And then they have to face unpleasant feelings and states, turn towards themselves, bring their emotional pain to the surface and come to terms with the past.
No wonder people say that children are little teachers.

You could get to know your child part at our master class “The Inner Child Archetype”.

However, having unconditional power over the child, parents are often tempted to make the child their own continuation, to “pack” their needs into the child, projecting unresolved tasks from the past.

A child’s psyche does not yet have the tools to separate itself from parental images and ideas. A child is egocentric by nature: they are always the centre of the universe (the family). When they meet the parental needs projected onto them, they face a hard choice: give up themselves (suppress anger, rage, love, joy, naturalness, vitality) to keep the bond with the parent. Or remain alone, unloved and rejected (which, subjectively, on the level of emotions, feels like mortal danger). Then the child begins to adapt and play by the parents’ rules. Feeling unloved and lonely (because the parent does not see the child, but sees themselves and their own hopes), the child makes decisions that shape their future life plan. For example: “I’ll show you”, “love has to be earned”, “I don’t need anything from you”, “I have to cope with this on my own”, “I must be able to do everything the first time”, “I am not allowed to make mistakes”, “never again” and others.

These are the bricks that make up the foundation of the future personality.
If you are a “seasoned” tyrant fighter, you should know that the inner tyrant cannot be defeated by confronting it head-on or competing with it.
Still less can this be done by appealing to its feelings, trying to evoke pity and sympathy, and to loosen, if only for a moment, the iron grip of its cold, rational arguments.

The inner tyrant is the image of someone ideal and correct, which on the one hand is a limiting factor and on the other is the set of attitudes and rules one can lean on when one has none of one’s own.
Many of you have already recognised in this figure the Inner Parent, who lives on the territory of the Superego (drawing on S. Freud’s model).
Through the mechanism of introjection, parental remarks, criticism, mockery, coldness and so on enter the child’s subconscious and form the basis of their conscience. Such a conscience is more like a jailer, since it takes into account only how well the child’s behaviour fits the rules of the social community.
The child’s individuality takes no part in forming the ethical meanings of choice. So the only thing that regulates choice is the fear of punishment for “wrong” behaviour, which consists of learned patterns of reacting to a misdeed or a mistake and comes with feelings of shame and guilt, a sense of doom and apathy. At the same time, it takes away the chance to meet the experience of the situation, learn a lesson and make amends for any harm done.

It is as if the person says to themselves:

— I have already felt shame and guilt and condemned myself inside! Is there anything else I am supposed to do?

In this way the inner conflict is carried over into the outer world, which, to put it mildly, does not help social success.

A demanding parent often lives only by external rules, carries their own tyrant inside and can get so carried away with power that their child, even as an adult, never manages to reach a new level of development, never manages to find themselves, never learns to assert their I in society.

Over time the tools of parental influence become inner forces. And now, when you make a mistake, fall short or fail, you no longer need an outer parent. This composite image now lives in your inner space and judges all your desires, actions and behaviour.

People always communicate through roles.

When you meet criticism or remarks from others that point out your mistakes or express negative feelings, your inner tyrant (critic) often robs you of objectivity. And instead of “you made a mistake here” a person hears “you are worthless, wrong, unworthy”, or “you will never get anything right”, or “I hate you”, and so on.
Need I say that these roles inside have to be explored so that your life finally stops looking like scorched earth and turns into a green garden?

Wanting approval (from the tyrant or from a person who reflects this role), wanting to earn the right to love and acceptance, many people sacrifice the most precious things they have: kindness, sensitivity, empathy, emotionality, naturalness, and their vital energy, strength and plans for the future. But all of it burns like paper in the furnace of insatiable self-criticism, constant judgement, comparison with ideals and self-suppression.

Over time the person gives up, falls into despair or takes offence, turning into a victim.

The victim role is always a dependence: on people, things, work, approval, alcohol and so on.
It is a need for someone who will control and judge (the tyrant) and for someone who can pity, help and accept (the rescuer).
Such a system of relationships is destructive, and fears, anxiety, anger, despair, fatigue, unwillingness to live, high tension, insomnia and apathy settle inside for a long time.

So what can be done?

The key is to give up the unequal fight and explore the figures of the tyrant and the victim described by Stephen Karpman’s triangle model.

You can do this on our online course “The Karpman Triangle”, where you will get to know the system of roles “tyrant — victim — rescuer” and learn how these roles show up in life and what destructive and constructive functions they perform. You will receive practical tools for regulating and transforming these states and find your balance.

I invite you to take part!

Anna Oleksandrivna Shyman, course teacher.

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